


Campwatch

by Lanii



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Hijinks & Shenanigans, Other, Recreational Meme Use, camping is intense, so was tagging all those characters my goodness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-07-22 15:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7443625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanii/pseuds/Lanii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where they all go camping</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *kicks canon under the bed* anyway this dumb au was co-created by me and vikishus over at tumblr mostly because she really likes the idea of gabe playing guitar and i cant take anything seriously really.

_"I've got you in my sights."_

"Jack do you have to say that every time the GPS tells you where to go."

"No back seat drivers."

"I'm not even in the...Whatever." Gabriel shifted in his seat and tried to cross his legs only to remember that there wasn't enough room in the tiny space under the glove compartment.  He couldn't even move the seat back because that would squish Reinhardt even more than he already was.  Damn these wretched rental vans.  They should have gotten a bus, regardless of everyone's issues with each other.  That was what seating charts were for.  And if worst came to worst, someone could always be stashed in the luggage compartment.

Damn Mercy and her stupid practicalities.

"Are we th-"

"Finish that sentence and I swear to God you will be the first person to livestream their own murder."

D.va gave an offended little gasp, hand flying up to clutch her chest. 

" _So_ not cool!" She whined, batting her big brown eyes at him.  Were he a weaker man, he would have instantly forgiven her but Gabriel "Reaper" Reyes knew the true demon that lurked under the mask known as D.va. And as with any demon, she could be placated by proper sacrificial offerings. So he grabbed a Mountain Dew from the snacks cooler firmly wedged between the driver and passenger seats and tossed it back to her.  

"Forgiven!" She sang, "Hey Reinhardt, check this out!"

D.va proceeded to stab the bottom of the can with a pen and shotgun the soda. Reinhardt laughed and clapped his hands.

"Incredible, my young friend! I applaud your skill!"

"Unbelievable." Gabriel muttered, rubbing his forehead.  Lucio was lucky.  He had his fancy-ass noise-blocking headphones and an incredible ability to fall asleep anywhere. It  probably helped that he had the third and final row of the van's seats all to himself.

"Man, it's too bad Lucio is asleep." D.va sighed as she wiped her mouth. "I was hoping to do a Chinese fire drill. That would be fun! Especially with so many vans!"

"It would be a disaster." Gabriel and Jack said at the same time.

"Jinx, owe me a coke." 

"Fuck you Morrison."

"Aw c'mon!" She said with a pout. "You old geezers are no fun."

"Hey!"

"Excluding you Reinhardt. You're the cool grandpa."

"Thank you!"

"We'll have plenty of time for disasters and general mayhem when we reach the campsite." Jack replied, then swerved the wheel to avoid crashing into some moron who had pulled ahead and driven into their lane without using their signal.  Reinhardt caught D.va before she smacked her head on the window.  Lucio wasn't so lucky.  Thanks to the seatbelt, his legs were still on the seat, but his upper half had slid off.  How he managed to stay asleep with his face pressed into the carpet, no one would ever know.  Maybe it was his secret passive ability.

"Look, look! It's Junkrat and Roadhog!" D.va waved both her hands at the junker pair sitting on the (frankly monstrous) motorcycle.  Roadhog ignored her to concentrate on driving, but Junkrat in the sidecar waved back and stuck out his tongue at her. D.va retorted by smashing her face up against the window and rubbing it in a circle while making really annoying "mluh mluh mluh" noises.  Junkrat started laughing, holding his stomach with one hand and pointing at D.va with his mechanical one.

"That'll show him!"

"You  _are_ going to clean the window, right?"

"Of course! But just let me revel in my victory for a few minutes."

"This is going to be a long week." Jack and Gabriel said at the same time.

"Jinx, owe me a coke."

"Fuck off Reyes."

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so far the response to this has been great! we've been coming up with increasingly weirder things that will be put into here and...well...i guess you'll just have to see for yourself.
> 
> (yes, there will be ships. mostly for the potential hilarious situations it will put the characters in. i.e Mercy in this chapter.)

"Hm, let's see..." Mercy looked over the group standing before her; some eagerly chattering, some looking around at the campsite and others waiting for her to speak.  She glanced down at her clipboard and checked off each group as they had arrived.

"First van: Symmetra, Pharah, myself, Zarya, Mei and Widowmaker. Check. Second van: Winston, Tracer, Hanzo and McCree. Check. Third van: Zenyatta, Genji, Bastion and Torbjorn. Check. Ah...Genji, he wasn't too troublesome on the ride was he?"

"The ride was peaceful, Dr. Ziegler." Genji replied as he carried the slumbering man out of the van. "How long will the tranquilizer last, by the way?"

"Oh, he'll be out for another half-hour.  Reinhardt can fill him in on the details when he wakes up.  And of course, no one is to tell him he rode the whole way with a cyborg and two omnics."

"Of course Dr. Ziegler. Our lips are sealed."

"Anything to preserve the harmony of this trip." Zenyatta added.  Bastion beeped solemnly.

"Splendid." She smiled, and continued her role-call.

"Fourth van: Jack, Gabe, Reinhardt, D.va and Lucio. Check.  Junkers on motorcycles..."  She wrinkled her nose as the fumes reached her. "Check."

"Uhm, excuse me!!" Tracer raised her hand, waving it wildly to get Mercy's attention.  "I have a very important question!" Mercy blinked at her.

"Yes, what is it?"

"Did you put yourself with all the hot ladies on purpose or was that just a coincidence." 

McCree, who had just taken a drink from a water bottle, choked and spat it out before dissolving into a laughing fit. Everyone else snickered, or looked away so she wouldn't see their grins. Mei was blushing, Symmetra had an eyebrow raised, while Zarya chuckled. Widowmaker didn't seem to care.  Tracer looked incredibly smug as Lucio passed her a fistful of dollar bills.  Only Pharah met Mercy's gaze straight on (although if we're being honest there was nothing straight about it) with a slight curve of a smile on her lips. 

Mercy really hoped her face wasn't as red as it felt. She cleared her throat and a wave of relief passed over her when her voice came out steady.

"As I said before we left, all traveling arrangements were coordinated to the best of my abilities in order avoid any potentially awkward situations between team members."

"Understatement of the year." Gabe muttered under his breath.  Mercy shot a glare at him and he shrugged. "'S true."

"So as you can see behind me," she continued as if nothing had happened, "There are seven tents for the twenty-one of us.  Ideally, we'd be three per tent, but taking in the sheer size of some of our companions tent groups range anywhere from two to four in one tent."

"That being said, the groups are as follows: Gabriel, Jack, Reinhardt and Torbjorn."

"Mercy. What the fuck." Gabe said, "You blab about sizes and then shove a seven foot four guy into a tent with three other dudes."

"The tents are bigger than they look." Mercy replied dryly. "Trust me, it's Overwatch technology."

"Oh, so like the Weasley's tent when they went to go see the World Quidditch Tournament in the fourth book!" Tracer said excitedly.  Everyone turned to stare at her.

"What British nonsense is she spittin' now?" McCree asked, scratching his beard. "Is Quidditch some kinda drinking game?"

"Well, you see, it's played on a flying broomstick and there are a lot of balls flying around and--"

"Sounds kinda like a bachelor party I went to once."

"McCree!"

"Now lissen, there ain't nothin' wrong with a group of pardners havin' a good time. And if clothes happened to get taken off, who cares?"

" _Mein Gott_." Mercy groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "No more innuendos.  I mean it."

"Ah!" Reinhardt boomed, "It is like someone once said long ago when I was but a boy. Just guys being dudes, I believe it went."

"He's got it." McCree said with a tip of his hat and a wicked grin.

Mercy buried her face in her hands and screamed.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to Hammeh over on youtube for the series of short, in-depth videos about all the characters so i didnt have to trudge through all the lore myself. as someone once told me "you gotta know how it works before you can fuck it up right"
> 
> link for anyone who hasnt seen the vine Reinhardt is referring to: https://vine.co/v/huq9n7jOnWl


	3. Chapter 3

_A Few Hours Later..._

"How do you think everyone is adjusting to the tent groups you assigned?" Pharah asked Mercy as they unpacked.  Mercy shrugged.

"I did the best I could to separate certain people, and honestly that's all I really cared about.  Of course some were easier than others, but if anyone has a problem then they can solve it by themselves.  This is as much an extended team-building exercise as it is a vacation."

"Clever." Pharah said. "Maybe even Symmetra will enjoy herself if we can drag her away from her Bollywood soap operas."

The woman in question removed her earbuds for a moment.

"Be quiet!" she hissed, "Bani is pregnant with Jai's child but she just found out that Jai holds himself responsible for Bani's mother's death!"

"Um."

"Sshh!! Do not interrupt me when I watch Kasamh Se!!" She shoved her earbuds back in and unpaused the show on her visor.

"Maybe it's better if we leave her alone."

"Agreed.  So you're completely relieving yourself of nurse duties for the week?"

"Well," Mercy tapped her finger on her chin. "Of course I'll break out the equipment if anyone say, breaks a bone. Or anything serious.  But other than that? They're on their own. Everyone knows rudimentary first aid. I don't want to be bothered with splinters, or burnt tongues because a certain Australian decided it was a good idea to lick a flaming marshmellow."

"Oddly specific example."

"Yes, it is. I want to relax and enjoy myself this week. Is that too much to ask? A few days where I don't have to worry about everyone? I don't think it is."

Pharah screamed.

No, that's not right. Pharah opened her mouth to reply and someone  _outside_ the tent screamed.  The two women looked at each other as the someone (who sounded an awful lot like Tracer) yelled about deadly spiders and...violins?

"I'm going. To take. A nap." Mercy grit out between clenched teeth before flopping down on her sleeping bag and pressing her pillow over her ears.

 

_Five Minutes Earlier..._

 

"Aw, hey there lil fella!" Tracer said as a small brown spider crawled up her foot.  She rested her fingers by it and after a moment of hesitation, the arachnid climbed on.  With a smile, Tracer lifted it to her eyes.  "We'd better put you outside before Zarya stomps on ya."

"I would never." The Russian woman claimed as she tried to scoot away from Tracer as inconspicuously as possible. "It would leave a stain on the floor."

"Who would have thought a world-champion weightlifter was scared of spiders!" Tracer said with a grin. "Don't worry lil guy, I won't let her hurt you."

"Tracer, maybe it would be wise to return the spider to its natural habitat." Mei piped up from where she was unrolling her sleeping bag. "You might be scaring it."

"Oh! I guess it would be pretty scary to be picked up by something a hundred times bigger'n you."  Tracer shot the spider an apologetic look. "But first...Hey Widow, you want to hold her?"

The French woman licked her thumb before turning a page in her book and spoke without lifting her eyes from the page.

"The brown recluse spider is one of two spiders in North America with medically significant venom, the other one of course being the black widow."

Tracer lost her quizzical expression as Widowmaker continued speaking, feeling sweat gather at her temples.

"The brown recluse spider is often called the fiddleback spider for the violin-like marking on its body."

Slowly, very slowly Tracer brought her hand close to her face, praying that the other women couldn't tell she was shaking as she looked over the spider's body.

"Tracer?" Mei asked fearfully while Zarya reached for one of her iron dumbbells.

"Recluse!" Tracer screamed, jumping up and racing outside in a blur, leaving a trail of blue light behind her. "Brown recluse! Look out!"

"It didn't fall off, did it?" Zarya asked.  Mei squinted and examined the area. 

"No, looks like Tracer took it with her." She adjusted her glasses and glared the assassin.  But before Mei could scold her, Widowmaker continued.

"However, the violin markings do not belong to the recluse alone.  Two other spider species can carry them, one of which is found in nearly every continent except Antartica where it is too cold for them." She looked up with a serene smile on her face and gave a deadly chuckle.

"Such a sweet, foolish girl."

 

_Fifteen Minutes Later..._

 

 

"It is alright Bastion," Zenyatta assured the other Omnic.  "Anyone would do the same in your companion's position."

"Master, I've removed most of the um...stuff." Genji said as he inspected Zenyatta's head.  

"Thank you Genji. I appreciate it."

Bastion beeped sadly as the bird settled back in it's original position on Bastion's arm before Tracer's screaming had caused it to take flight and deliver a present on Zenyatta's head.

Zenyatta laughed. "Do not worry.  I won't hold a grudge. Why don't we go out for a nature walk?  Maybe that will help your friend to calm down."

"I have a map of hiking trails in the area." Genji supplied helpfully.  "These mountains are so beautiful, let us go out and see them."

"Yes, let's." Zenyatta said approvingly.  "Bastion, why don't you lead the way?"

Beeping happily, Bastion led them out to explore what Mother Nature had to offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so how bout that new character reveal


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this has taken so long guys... i really meant to have it up sooner but there is a LOT of bullshit in my life right now and i havent felt like laughing or being funny in a while. if it shows in the chapters, i'm sorry. i'll rewrite it if/when things calm down a little bit.

"Wear them."

"No."

" _Wear them."_

_"No!_ Fuck off mate!"

Roadhog rubbed his forehead in annoyance as Junkrat scooted another few inches up the pine tree.

"Jamison. You can't swim. You need to wear them."

Usually the use of his first name would have Junkrat scrambling to obey before shit got real but this time, safe in his high perch, he stuck his tongue out. Little shit. And was he about t-

Yup. Several pine-cones bounced off Roadhog's belly and rolled around on the ground as Junkrat whooped.

"You can't swim either and you weigh more than I do! Why ain't you wearin' floaties?"

"Because fat floats."

"Bullshit!"

"More like hogswallop." McCree said to D.va under his breath as they passed the bickering Junker pair.  D.va giggled and snapped a quick picture.

"Let's stay and watch." She whispered back, and the two spread their towels on the ground. D.va even propped up her beach umbrella. They  _had_ planned on going swimming, but this was turning out to be a much more enjoyable prospect.

"I ain't comin down until you get those things outta me sight!" Junkrat shouted.

"And I'm not letting you go into the water without them." Roadhog said patiently.

"Then I guess I ain't comin down from this here tree then!"

It was very clear that the larger Aussie needed a change of tactics.  Especially if the cautionary tales of territorial eagles were true. This trip would turn very sour, very quickly if Mei discovered he killed them since this particular breed was endangered.

Then he remembered something.

An important something.

An important, delicious something.

"Alright Jamison. That's fine. Stay up there as long as you want. I'll just leave these here in case you change your mind." Roadhog slowly lowered the water wings to the ground and raised his hands palms up in a show of submission.

Junkrat snorted derisively. Yeah, he knew Hog would give up! Although he didn't expect it to be this easy...

"I'll be in the tent."Roadhog continued, backing away a step at a time. "Having a golden gaytime all by myself."

"He's having a what now." D.va deadpanned while McCree once again choked on water he just taken a sip of.

"You should probably give up trying to drink anything for the rest of this trip." She told him sympathetically as he pounded a fist on his chest.

"A man's gotta stay hydrated!" McCree protested when he could finally talk again. "It's important!"

"Especially when one is as thirsty as you are." Hanzo said snidely as he passed them, also carrying his beach supplies.

"Sure am pardner..." McCree replied as he blatantly stared at the archer's muscled back. D.va rolled her eyes.

"But seriously, did Roadhog just say what I think he said?"

 

                                                                                                                         ***

Junkrat grinned victoriously as Roadhog put the stupid floaties down and backed up.  He knew Hog would give up eventually! He just didn't expect it to be so easily.  Big guy was losin his touch if you asked Junkrat.  He tried to do a victory dance too but he nearly fell off the tree limb.  

He was about to yell one more victory phrase at Roadhog when his friend spoke.

"I'll be in the tent. Having a golden gaytime all by myself."

Ah shit.

"A...golden g-gaytime?" Junkrat asked hesitantly, poking his head out of the foliage. "You brought those?"

"Ten whole boxes of them." Roadhog said.  "I know how much you love them."

Junkrat swallowed thickly. Hog couldn't be lying. He wouldn't. They might be criminals with a history of murder, theft and general ne'er-do-wellness and they definitely lied a  _lot._ But this was Golden Gaytimes they were talking about here. You couldn't lie about those. No Aussie would dare to lie about those. 

Golden gaytimes were  _sacred._

Junkrat was  _fucked._

As he pondered this dilemma, along with the problem of getting down, he failed to notice the large feathery mass approaching at terminal velocity.  Had he looked up, he would have seen the eagle's nest and might have heard the cries of hungry chicks.

But with his thoughts full of ten whole boxes of Gaytimes, he was completely caught off guard as the eagle swooped with an angry caw. Junkrat's already precarious position on the tree faltered and before he knew what was happening, he was falling.

Ah  _shit._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GG's wiki article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Gaytime.


End file.
